How to be "polite"?

[Joel Bryan Juliano]

Hello,

I think I have a big attitude problem that really bothers me alot, I always
get in trouble with people, for example, when relatives came, and when I
said something to them, it'll be devastating, even if it's the first thing I
said the whole day. I say things just for fun and expect them to laugh, not
to piss people off. Just last month, I almost score with a girl, but I said
some stupid remarks that made her put her clothes on, damn!! my ex's
remember me as being a "dick or asshole", I even have a line with them when
they said that, "Oh, being a dick isn't so bad, you see, there are three
kinds of people, dick, pussies and assholes, pussy's think anything can get
along, and dick just wanna f*ck all the time without thinking it through,
and then you got your assholes chuck" conversation. I can't even end a
conversation without being sarcastic or pessimistic! is it normal?
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