request for review of Ubuntu 9.10 release candidate announcement

[Steve Langasek]

Hi Kyle,

Sorry, I didn't have time to respond to these comments before sending out
the RC announcement; let's take a look at what we can do to improve the
final release announcement.

On Wed, Oct 21, 2009 at 11:54:10AM -0400, Kyle Nitzsche wrote:
> A few more minor style/usage points (sorry, I should have put them all in
> a single email).

> * Extra "the" before "Ubuntu Netbook Remix":
> The Ubuntu team is pleased to announce the Release Candidate for Ubuntu
> 9.10 Desktop and Server editions, Ubuntu 9.10 Server for UEC and EC2, and
> the Ubuntu Netbook Remix.

> Consider:
> The Ubuntu team is pleased to announce the Release Candidate for Ubuntu
> 9.10 Desktop and Server editions, Ubuntu 9.10 Server for UEC and EC2, and
> Ubuntu Netbook Remix.

Right, this was my doing; I thought it read better with the article, but I'm
not attached to it by any means, and will omit this for the final release
announcement.

> (I also think "Release Candidate" should be lower cased, as it is later in
> the text, since strictly unnecessary capitalization is often read as
> hype.)

You're right that this shouldn't have been capitalized here, because it's
not being used as a proper name.  ("Ubuntu 9.10 Release Candidate", but "the
release candidate for Ubuntu 9.10".)  Sorry, will try to get that right next
time around.

> * "startup times" should perhaps be singular:
> Ubuntu 9.10 Desktop Edition improves on the work of 9.04 to get you going
> faster, with improved startup times and a streamlined boot experience.

> Consider:
> Ubuntu 9.10 Desktop Edition improves on the work of 9.04 to get you going
> faster, with an improved startup time and a streamlined boot experience.

I disagree with this because startup times vary across hardware and even
across multiple reboots of a single machine, and I think "an improved startup
time" would mislead users into expecting a /particular/ level of
performance.

> * "upgrade" should be "upgrading":
> Users requiring a longer support lifetime on the server may choose to
> continue using Ubuntu 8.04 LTS, with security support until 2013, rather
> than upgrade to 9.10.

> Consider:
> Users requiring a longer support lifetime on the server may choose to
> continue using Ubuntu 8.04 LTS, with security support until 2013, rather
> than upgrading to 9.10.

I think both are valid constructions; the current text scans as "Users [...]
may choose to [...] rather than [choosing to] upgrade [...]", but I'm happy
to change this - done for the final announcement.

> * "lifetime" should perhaps be "period":
> Users requiring a longer support lifetime on the server may choose to
> continue using Ubuntu 8.04 LTS, with security support until 2013, rather
> than upgrading to 9.10.

> Consider:
> Users requiring a longer support period on the server may choose to
> continue using Ubuntu 8.04 LTS, with security support until 2013, rather
> than upgrading to 9.10.

We speak of software life cycles, and when we stop supporting a release we
send out an "end of life" announcement; I think "lifetime" is suitable here,
and gives it more flavor than "period".

> * "release sees" is non-standard:
> This release sees the first technology preview of Kubuntu Netbook.

> Consider:
> This release includes the first technology preview of Kubuntu Netbook.

"non-standard" - it's anthropomorphism; I don't think figures of speech are
something to be avoided in community announcements, fwiw.

> * Missing comma before "please:
> Before installing or upgrading to Ubuntu 9.10 please review the
> instructions and caveats in the release notes.

> Consider:
> Before installing or upgrading to Ubuntu 9.10, please review the
> instructions and caveats in the release notes.

Right - noted for next time.

> * Missing "that", improvable phraseology:
> In addition, there are a small number of known bugs in the release
> candidate that will be fixed before the Ubuntu 9.10 release, but warrant
> highlighting for your attention.

> Consider:
> In addition, there are a small number of known bugs in the release
> candidate that will be fixed before the Ubuntu 9.10 release that warrant
> highlighting for your attention.
> Or:
> In addition, there are a small number of known bugs in the release
> candidate that will be fixed before the Ubuntu 9.10 release. These bugs
> warrant highlighting for your attention.

I think the original scans better than either of the proposed substitutes,
the first using stacked relative clauses with "that" and the latter losing
the subordinate flavor.

On Wed, Oct 21, 2009 at 11:10:47AM -0400, Kyle Nitzsche wrote:
> Minor usage point on the following:

> "The Ubuntu 9.10 family of variants, Kubuntu, Xubuntu, Edubuntu,
> Ubuntu Studio, and Mythbuntu, also reach RC status today."

> A list is not usually preceded by a comma. Consider a colon or
> parentheses, as in:
> "The Ubuntu 9.10 family of variants also reach RC status today:
> Kubuntu, Xubuntu, Edubuntu, Ubuntu Studio, and Mythbuntu."

> Or:
> "The Ubuntu 9.10 family of variants (Kubuntu, Xubuntu, Edubuntu,
> Ubuntu Studio, and Mythbuntu) also reach RC status today."

> And there's a subject-verb number mismatch in the same sentence. The
> subject is "family", not "variants, so the verb should be "reaches",
> not "reach," as in

> "The Ubuntu 9.10 family of variants (Kubuntu, Xubuntu, Edubuntu,
> Ubuntu Studio, and Mythbuntu) also reaches RC status today."

Strictly speaking there is an agreement error, yes, but English is a
forgiving language when it comes to such constructions and I'm not sure it's
actually better that way.  I also don't think we should use parentheses
here; it should always be permissible to omit a parenthetical without
changing the meaning, but here it would contain key information.  I think
the appositive form is more appropriate, in spite of the succession of
commas.

Thanks for the feedback!  The final release announcement draft will also be
posted shortly for comment.

-- 
Steve Langasek                   Give me a lever long enough and a Free OS
Debian Developer                   to set it on, and I can move the world.
Ubuntu Developer                                    http://www.debian.org/
slangasek at ubuntu.com                                     vorlon at debian.org