Dangerous English Language Virus Alert!

Cybe R. Wizard cybe_r_wizard at earthlink.net
Wed Apr 1 13:57:34 BST 2009

Dangerous English Language Virus Alert!

Posted on April 1, 2009 by archiearchive FCD on his blog at:

IT has contributed a lot to the deterioration of the English language
as backroom nerds with dreadful grammar and spelling become world-wide
publishers through software distribution. We all have to put up with
their beastly worded instructions and unintelligible manuals issued
with software, mostly US made, where English has been on the skids
since the Boston Tea Party!

As an IT reader I made the hitherto unpublished discovery of human
language viruses which I named Campilobacter Languinus but I could not
muster the courage to ingest this pathogen myself. This language virus
is highly contagious and is busy destroying the English Language and if
left untreated it might lead society to a Tower of Babel situation with
total communications breakdown.

In response to this danger, below is the world’s first language virus
scanner free. The virus definitions will also be updated from time to
time and below is a selection of the most popular ones. A more
extensive list is in the attached document for readers keen on more.

The “Basically” Worm. Infected victims are unable to complete a
sentence without the redundant word “basically”. People on help lines,
breakfast shows or bbq chats are most affected. TV hosts infect
millions of people. Carefully listen to your friends and you will know.
So billions of useless words are blocking the airwaves and have
infiltrated even the print media at great national expense.

The “Whatever” Virus. It escaped from the large population of Airheads
in California. Infected people’s vocabulary is blocked to the extent
that many already have to slip this word two times in one sentence.

The “nStuff” Virus. It started in the eighties and has swallowed the
entire generation Y and spilled over to Xs. This root virus blocks the
index section in the victim’s brain and prevents retrieval of even the
simplest words and substitutes these with the elegant “nStuff”.

The above is a list of the most rampant viruses and a complete virus
definition will be gladly mailed to you on request. A language Firewall
is under development too and will be released through this blog on
April 1, 2010.

Future language virus infected sentences might look like the sample
below or is it now?

“Basically, at this particular period in time there is a window of
opportunity to lift the bottom line by whatever to six percentage
points of one percent in relation to income nStuff not available
anytime soon.”

Cybe R. Wizard
Nice computers don't go down.
	Larry Niven, Steven Barnes
		"The Barsoom Project"

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